Star Stuff - It Just Doesn't Matter! - Night Moves Magazine

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) Excellent time to go into politics... Make up a new government position such as "Regional Manager, Department of The Posterior"... put up hundreds of posters of yourself... With any luck... it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job... You will get through the week without too much trouble... It would go even more smoothly if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance....

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) It's time to start setting higher goals... Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge... You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft... Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly... A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter... If you answer... you'll be blamed... Pretend you don't know anything about it... Excellent time to be expansive and benevolent...

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) It will turn out that up to now... all of your life was just a peculiar dream... and that you are actually still only 2 years old... You find this vaguely irritating... You've got to learn to slow down... You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy... Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip... Your car is possessed again... so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work...

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) Uh oh... The cows have come home... and the fat lady is about to sing... Better come up with some new excuses... quick!.. You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home... You must seize the opportunity that presents itself no matter what the consequences may be... Remember... opportunity knocks but once... and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell...

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) Office politics will be pretty intense for a while... Whenever you go to the water cooler... be sure to carry a flag of truce... Remember though... a policy of appeasement almost never works... You will come across a matchbook that will change your life... Inside the cover it will say... "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"... People are starting to take you a bit too seriously... Try wearing your bunny slippers to work...

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land... Why not try making shag carpeting?... At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it... A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Dodge street... You'll forget where you're going and drive her to Distraction... Someone will tell you that you "run funny"... Just ignore them...

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times... Also... you'll meet an angel... but don't let on that you know who she really is... Beware!... The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds... Obviously, this is a metaphor... somehow involving Cleveland...

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success... It's really hard to fail if you have no purpose... Good time to learn to do more with your toes... Start off by tying knots with them... You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!... Nobody knows the trouble you've seen... Except for Bob that is... You know... the quiet neighbor with the binoculars...

PISCES (Feb 19-March 20) Good time to buy lava lamps at garage sales... A once in a life-time opportunity... If you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel... buy it on the spot... In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment... you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring... Coincidentally... some of them will say "Hay!"...

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You will overhear a whispered conversation regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk... You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you... This may make you a trifle self-conscious... It's time to have a bit of illicit fun... slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets... shoes... etc... when they're not looking...

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) You've been complaining too much lately... You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums... A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory... change its name to "Bob"... and move in with you... Eventually... you'll become best friends... Fortune will smile upon you... That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker...

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon... eat all your food... and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure... You will be seized by inspiration and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier... You will wax poetic... assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car... Not only is this a good time to throw a tantrum... but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!...

It Just Doesn't Matter!
But DO Designate A Driver!