IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER HOROSCOPE
TAURUS (Apr 20-May
20) Your life will be controlled by the potato chip fetish... You'll try them all...Lays...
Pringles... Ruffles and yes... you'll even try the dreaded Hy-Vee Chips... They will
all be waiting for you "Spud Breath"... Most stores have more chips than
meat... Who cares... You'll have a "chip party" the weekend of the 28th...
Big deal... Who cares... Wouldn't you rather get 'Lay'ed??? No... You'd rather get
Hy-Vee’ed!..
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) As you enter a new cycle the stars are promising you an intense
romance with a Leo... Normally... you would be compatible... But not this time exhaust
pipe lips... This Leo smells like a cage in a zoo and with all the good points...
it will be the aroma of burnt doo-doo that will drive you up the wall... You'll drop
them like hot charcoal... On the 1st you'll have a craving to sit in the mud...
CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) While others play, you will work and grab the brass ring...
You can either wear it on your pinky... or sell it for scrap... On the other hand
it could make for a nice wall hanging... The 22nd will be good for romantic encounters
but the 23rd will present boredom in the form of TV reruns and tired food... Hit
the Dairy Queen for a Brazier and a float for that good time feeling... What fun!..
Avoid anyone with a runny nose...
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) Your mental process will bring fantasy dreams of erotic encounters
with someone holding a broom... Your choices are pretty slim in reality... Know what
I mean... a janitor... a housewife or a witch... Brush off these feelings if you
can and go for someone with a vacuum cleaner... You know... Clean up your act and
enjoy... The 30th appears to be good to assure that you will have a smile on your
face on the 1st....
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) Romantic entanglements will be interesting over the next two
weeks... You'll be attracted to "size"... I mean big people who eat lunches
all the time... carry Rolaids to help their gas problems and avoid close places...
The 29th & 30th appear to be good for "Getting Lucky"... If you're
a guy... you'll need $100... If you're a girl... wear something purple...
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) The Big Dipper and Little Dipper are trying to contact you...
Answer them and your phone bill will be astronomical... They are trying to warn you
that your love life is not what it appears to be... Beware of colonial style sofas...
five speed blenders... ferret owners and people who beg... The next 10 days will
be interesting... Make sure your sheets are clean on the 22nd... It doesn't matter...
Interesting ...
SCORPIO ( Oct 23-Nov 21) Freak out your friends... use the remote for the TV to
change your personality... Romance comes into your life as Mr. Goodwrench adjusts
your points... Draw the line at frequent valve jobs and constant rear end adjustments...
Reminisce with friend about the time Liz Taylor and you went out and got tattoos...
Remember that unpaid parking ticket?... Better take care of it...
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) You will find yourself romantically involved with a fertilizer
analyst... This new love may smell bad... but it's a heck of a lot better than leading
a lonely sorrowful life... Cheer up... In the afternoon hours convert your house
into a UFO receiving station for aliens from other planets... Unfortunately the aliens
that show up are gardeners that are there to fertilize your lawn... so once again...
back to square one...
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) Long distance communication... love... and backed up septic
systems play a major role in your life as a near and dear relative has a brush with
the law when they are booked for getting too friendly with a roll of underarm deodorant...
Your focus is on paperwork... and having dental work done against your will... Now
would be a great time to release things held captive... go to the bank and cut all
the chains that hold the pens in place...
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18) If you are feeling lonely... do something to remedy the
situation... If you don't know if you are lonely... ask yourself "Do I have
any battery-powered imaginary companions?"... You should hang out at Japanese
restaurants and verbally terrorize anyone who admits to watching every show on the
UPN network... Focus on the meaning of life... if you can't find the meaning of life...
figure out the meaning of The Jerry Springer Show...
PISCES (Feb19-March 20) A busy day on the 30th as you meet with the local media to
explain why you have a small panda living in your pants... Be sure to scrub up...
start by bathing in a large tub of chain saw fuel... Business executives... advance
your career by getting a hair-do that resembles Dennis Rodman's recent styling...
Women... this could be your time as your high school sweetheart gets released on
parole...
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) Call up the local bowling alley and and find out why you never
see Wink Martindale polishing the 9-pin with lemon fresh Pledge... Go along with
the ideas of your mate... however draw the line at water wings... and anything sportscaster
Marv Albert has tried... You will join weight watchers after the Pentagon notifies
you that you have been showing up on satellite photos... a fig salesman from Phoenix
will want to move in with you... Who knows... maybe it's time to take the plunge...
It Just Doesn’t Matter!!
Don’t Forget...Designate a Driver!